y did u give ur computer a hand job?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
