Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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