he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
