The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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