woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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