Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
