I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
