How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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