Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
