theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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