he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
they need to just BURY HIM!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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