Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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