life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Randomize
