I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
