can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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