so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
