saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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