Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
