yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Someone came in the potted fern
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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