A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
