I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
