Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i believe in u and ur pee
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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