She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
