Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
