you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
