I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
