and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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