I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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