Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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