based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
