she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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