I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
