You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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