I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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