Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
