I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
