I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
