3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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