Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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