So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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