its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
last night I used snow as a chaser
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
