"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
