i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
