So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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