I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
