Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
