I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
