Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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