So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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