I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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