I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
