my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
A+ Viking dick
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
