im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
