It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
