I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
