I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
