It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
