Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
